I'm such a douchebag.

I'm probably going to have to stop writing things. omg. haaha.

31 through 50, yo

1.  O.N.E.- Yeasayer : “hold me like you used to, control me like you used to” 
2. Ocean Avenue- Yellowcard: i remember listening to this song and being like “man, i cant wait until i’m 16...” im sure i’ve told you that before though. hearts for this song. 
3. White Unicorn- Wolfmother: the guitars in this song! “sister can you tell me when the day turns to night”
4. Grounds for Divorce- Wolf Parade: i love this band. and their style. i dont really know why i like this song, check out “You are a runner and I am my Father’s son” 
5. Giving Up the Gun- Vampire Weekend: “my ears were blown to bits, by all the rifle hits, but still i crave that sound” this is my FAVORITE vamp. week. song. by farsies. Koenig: "I got the idea for the song from a book my Dad gave me called Giving Up The Gun. It’s a history book about the time when Japan expelled all the foreigners from the country, closed off all trade, and stopped using guns and reverted back to the sword. It seems unimaginable now that humanity could willingly go back to an older technology. It got me thinking about whether you could give up the things that you have and go back to a simpler way of life." i think that’s beautiful. i should stop using the word beautiful. ...
6. Sea Ghost- The Unicorns: ill be honest with you, i never listen to this song in its entirety. only about the first :45 seconds. BUT when i do listen to the whole thing, im usually i weird moods.... so. i dont know what im trying to say. “I had hoped the salt below, would divorce what was wed above” 
7. Elenore- The Turtles: this is the best love song (if you can call it that?) ever. i love it. i want to scream it. i wish i was a boy so i could be in love with someone named Elenore. this makes me what to have kids so i can name one of them after it. regardless of gender. ha.
8. Favourite Colour- Tokyo Police Club: this whole album is fantastic. good beat... i dont know.... not a music critic here.... “But you're here for the chase and next year's a ways away” 
9. Something Like That- Tim McGraw: you know i love this. and i feel like we both understand why. makes me happy, yo.
10. When We Swam- Thao: o0oo0o0 i also LOVE this album. “bring your hips to me” eeeeee !
11. MakeDamnSure- Taking Back Sunday: “you are red, violent red” anyone who has ever loved someone with a substance abuse problem, just gets it.
12. Pieces- Sum 41: i listen to this song when i hate myself and im sad. hhahah its stupid. i used to watch the music video all the time.
13. In Too Deep- Sum 41: this describes previous relationships of mine pretty well. i also used to watch this music video a lot too. maybe you should just have a sum41 youtube party.
14. Saul Bellow- Sufjan Stevens: this song makes me want to cry, more than coldplay or bon iver. (haha) “all my good friends, with their eyes on what it takes, i could kiss them, but the bravest make mistakes” 
15. Rill Rill- Sleigh Bells: wonder what your boyfriend thinks about your braces? hearts hearts. all about teen troubles in high school? i guess. whatever. 
16. Your Winter- Sister Hazel: the perfect 90s ballad. its in 10 things i hate about you. win. i hate that i just said win...
17. Australia- The Shins: this is the most played song on my itunes! not a killers song, surprise surprise.... “Dare to be one of us, girl, Facing the android's conundrum, I felt like I should just cry, But nothing happens every time I take one on the chin, You himmler and your coat, You don't know how long I've been, Watching the lantern dim, Starved of oxygen, So give me your hand, And let's jump out the window” 
18. Throw Some D’s- Rich Boy: my life, duh. “ridin’ with no tints so the motherfuckers know its me” YEAHHH 
19. I So Hate Consequences- Relient K:went through a huge phase of this. christ. (no pun intended) i dont ever feel like this but i think his lyrics are great. i... whatever... “And my sins, they watched me leave, And in my heart I so believed, The love you felt for me was more than, The love I'd wished for all this time, And when the doors were closed, I heard no I told so's, I said the words I knew you knew, Oh God, Oh God I needed you” 
20. C’mon Girl- Red Hot Chili Peppers: oh sure i could have picked some “better” rhcp, but this is my favorite! “blessed are the hypocrites, outwitted but she never quits, the trouble with a band of slits, is washing off the muddy bits”

sorry this is formatted so weird, i don't feel like putting the correct numbers and spaces in it...

hahaah what

i forgot about yesterday. i don't know what that poem is about... it just came into my head? ok sorry.
i feel like there was something else i wanted to say...........

sorry im a ghost too.

no physical abuse

but something needed off her chest

so she went crazy 

not unlike the rest

her father was gone

mother driven mad by wine

the last time we spoke

she said i'll see you in time

imagine my surprise

when i find myself here

alone at your funeral 

not shedding a tear

sitting in a corner

not knowing what to do

these people keep talking

to me about you

maybe she wont go to heaven

ok, her hell was here on earth

after what you lived through 

i cant see how it'd get worse

and they tell me she took the cowards way out

but i think it takes a whole lot of courage to put a gun in your mouth

and they tell me her life was a sin

taking the easy way out,

but i think you just wanted in

and no one could hear you shout

nobody ever told you

nobody ever whispered in your ear

nobody ever said those things

those things that you’re just dying to hear

but you would not have listened

you would not have understood

if someone would have told you

those things they didn't do, but could.

because who was there for you

when you needed them the most

let me tell you, no one, no one

they all dispersed like ghosts

21thru30!

       21. Twist and Shout- The Beatles

four words: ferris buellers day off. dance ya’ll!

       22. Oh! Darling- The Beatles

fell in love with song when i saw across the universe. so sue me. so humanistic, the pleading. 

       23. Help Me Rhonda- The Beach Boys

the beach boys, doing the rebound with some 1965 class. 

       24. CVS- Aziz Ansari

not a song, just makes me laugh, and it’s in my itunes, so what the hell!

       25. Nobody’s Fool- Avril Lavigne

dont judge me, while sk8ter boi is the true classic here, the words of a 17 year old can be extremely relevant “but i fear, that you’re only telling me what i wanna hear” simple, and christ, it’s not like im much older...

       26. Just Stay Here Tonight- Augustana 

ok, forget marvin gaye, as much as i hate to say it, this song would get anyone laid. “you’ll be the last one making all the right things wrong” come on, it’s great.

       27. Fluorescent Adolescent- Arctic Monkeys

i hope these arent the best times of my life. “flicking through a little book of sex tips, remember when the boys were all electric?” god, its so good.

       28. The Art of Losing- American Hi-Fi

que the angsty middle schoolers. whatever. i love this song “one, two, fuck you”

       29. My Body- Young the Giant

i mean, i’ve blasted it in the car a time or two.... “and im falling down fools in a spiral”  not 100% on what its about. at first i thought, sex, duh. but now... drugs...im going with drugs. 

       30. Suite for Cello No. 1 in G Major- Yo-Yo Ma

i love love love cello music. this is beautiful. fuck that it is used for stupid stuff like credit card commercials. 

I?

ignore blog basis. keep everything else? ok.

too fast.

maybe I'm not giving up. maybe I'm just staring over.
excuse my grammar and technical errors and poor writing style. i just wrote it.


as a child i spent a lot of time playing with my neighbor hannah. she was a couple years older than me, and i adored her. one day in particular we were rollerblading around our neighborhood and hannah, of course leading, decided to go down this big hill. being ahead of me, she reached the bottom when i was only about halfway down. it was then that a problem arose for me. more of an anxiety. the moment when i realized i was going much to fast, with no means to stop. i could have rode it out safely to the bottom like my counterpart, sure. but i didn't. i did what humans do in stressful situations, i panicked. with the thought of a little pebble or stone, perhaps a twig or abandoned bottle cap throwing my tiny wheels into a dizzying chaos, sending me tumbling into the harsh pavement, i thought it best to stop. although my skates were equipped with heel brakes, i found it much to risky to try and handle my decent while rocking back onto only one foot. leaping into the grass rushing past to my left seemed to be  the best and only option. ending my propulsion, into what was sure to be a gruesome death. oh how we dramatize events we cant handle... so with a wince and a little bit of false hope i jumped into the seemingly soft grass. grass that quickly turned into someones driveway, as i did not take my building momentum into account. i became scuffed and scratched, disheartened and dirty. what had i been thinking? trying to tackle a hill far beyond my preliminary rollerblading skills... 

and this concept has eerily followed me, and i’m sure many others, through life. just because we see someone else succeeding at a task, makes us think we can do  it to. because our mothers and fathers, teachers, pastors, friends and family, told us we can be whatever we want to be. because that’s how we get through life. trying to make things work out for ourselves. we want to be happy and to be accomplished. and we let our minds become overrun with ideas of what we want to be, what we think we should be. perhaps instead of what makes us happy. and now i’m just lost. between all the hours spent at work so i could by gas to power my car so that i could drive to ride horses. so that i could ride them and feel proud of something. so that i could have a purpose. so that i would have a reason to go to school. to go to college. to get a better job, to get a better car, and to buy more gas. to drive, to go and ride more horses, to feel better about myself when really all i feel is obligated. obligated to make myself happy with these things and i’m beginning to wonder if they ever really made me happy at all. 

because thats what happens when you do what people tell you to do. when you listen to your head and not your heart. you get lost and mixed up. and you end up in  a place you don’t want to be. that you never thought you would get to, because this was supposed to work. it worked for so many others. the cars and the hobbies, the schools and the dreams. but you’re left sitting there. wondering where you went wrong. and you don’t really know. and you’ll never know. because you listened to all the other people. and you cant get that time you wasted back. so when you’re sitting there, whether it be bloody and bruised on the pavement or alone and miserable in your car, and you realize this is not what you should be doing, even though you already did it. you scrape up you’re dignity or maybe you just sit there for awhile. but when you do get up you know what you have to do, where you have to go... 

i dropped out of my dream school because i hated it. i quit doing the things that made me happy because i hated them. i quit loving the people in my life, because i hated them. i had to stop everything. even if just for a second. because i was going so fast trying to do the things i saw other people doing. trying to keep up with the life i had been given, the one that my mother and father, teachers, pastors, friends and family might now think i’m taking for granted. because i stopped doing the things that made them happy. and i cant help thinking back to that day when i saw hannah flying down the hill. and it looked like fun. so i tried it, because that’s what i was supposed to do. but it wasn't. so i had to stop. stop for fear i might die. and as dramatic as that seems, we’ve all been there. because we didn't realize how fast we were going, and i really believe that often times we never really realize how fast we are going, until we try to stop.

UM

why all the crazy spaces below? i don't know.

eleven through twenty

       11. Fake Palindromes- Andrew Bird

i dont think anyone fully understands the meaning of this song, but if i had to guess... it boils down to “shes got blood in her eyes, in her eyes for you, shes got blood in her eyes for you” and it's kinda catchy, eh? 

       12. The Girl- City and Colour

more than a love song. the selflessness is easy and beautiful. 

       13. Little Hell- City and Colour

my absolute favorite dallas green. “if we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past, and forget it all...”

       14. October- Broken Bells

one lyric or thought cannot describe the meaning of this song, listen to it in it’s entirety. “don’t run, don’t rush, just flow”

       15. The High Road- Broken Bells

eerily poetic. my favorite written work by john donne says “never send to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.” this song seems to ask, ‘what if the bells are broken?’. let loss be your guide... to the high road. 

       16. Jesus Christ- Brand New

"well jesus christ I'm not scared to die, i'm a little bit scared of what comes after. do i get the gold chariot? do i float through the ceiling?" the struggle with faith is, oddly enough, inspiring. 

       17. Foxes Mate For Life- Born Ruffians

this song makes me happy. and with lyrics like “life sucks and love is dumb, golly that’s a real lie” how can it not. they really make me believe that foxes mate for life, because they’re in love.

       18. Hot In the City- Billy Idol

is it stuck in your head yet? 

       19. Holy Water- Big and Rich

typical country ballad, and it get’s me every time... “and she says take me away, and take me farther” 

       20. Stayin’ Alive- The Bee Gees

confident in my cpr abilities because of this song. who doesnt love this? really. (office reference? yeah?) all hail the falsetto! 

((i know you're really busy so you don't have to listen to them everyday, but they'll be here)) 

here we go, one through ten...

1. Hang Me Up to Dry- Cold War Kids

love the beat, could just scream this song 24/7. “im pearly like the whites, the whites of your eyes”

       2. All the Young Dudes- Mott the Hoople

it’s so iconic, almost like the beatles, and who does’t love a good juno reference. (that's stupid to say, though, no care given...) but really, when written by bowie, you can't go wrong. "oh is there concrete all around, or is it in my head". beautiful melody that just makes you want to be a young dude. 

       3. Crystal- New Order

 there is a “fake band”  named ‘the killers’ pretending to be new order in the music video for this song, and that, ladies and gentleman, is where the killers got the name for their band. plus, the lyrics!: “here comes love, it’s like honey, you can’t buy it with money, you’re not alone anymore, whenever you’re here with me, you shock me to the core” wow.

       4. November Blue- The Avett Brothers

this is how i feel right now, you’ll get it. no one does folk like the avett brothers. “i’m killing myself thinking, i’m falling like the leaves.” sort of. 

       5. Wolf Like Me- TV On The Radio

rockin’ song (so corny of right?) anyways, “open my hands and let them weave onto yours” the imagery in this song...

       

       6. Furr- Blitzen Trapper

religion. “you can wear your fur like a river on fire, but you better be sure if you’re makin’ god a liar, im a rattlesnake babe, im like fuel on fire, so if you’re gonna get made don’t be afraid of what you’ve learned” 

       7. Christ Jesus- Deer Tick

i think this is one of the most powerful songs i have ever heard. so simple, so beautiful, and so honest. it’s probably a good thing i cant figure out how to play it on the piano, because i’d just sit there and kill myself with it, over and over again. “christ jesus, as im drowning, i struggle to breathe, it’s your face i dont see”

       8. Under Pressure- David Bowie/Queen

call me cliche, but how can you say no to some classic bowie/queen? “its the terror of knowing what this world is about, watching some good friends screaming ‘let me out’” too good.

       9. Two- The Antlers

forget any mention to instrumentals, such moving lyrics. this kind of a story is so powerful. i can hardly pick a favorite lyric... “you had a new dream, it was more like a nightmare. you were just a little kid and they cut your hair, then they stuck you in machines, you came so close to dying, they should have listened, they thought that you were lying.”

       10. Rebellion (Lies)- The Arcade Fire

makes you want to rebel? “come on baby in our dreams, we can live on misbehavior” 

just because i can't stop thinking about everything.

-BG

I miss you and since we are both going through shit, and music helps... I made you a playlist of all my favorite songs. (with as little Nelly and Jay-Z as I could muster... wait, maybe I took HOV off... I hope you get that....) Anyways, I present to you (in no particular order...) THE BEST! (for now, because it always changes.) & my reasoning for the love. Or a favorite lyric. Maybe they aren't really my favorites or the best. But whatever. Que the Leo 'Haters Gonna Hate' meme ... Posted 10 a day until we get to 100 ! 

-RC